The truth about this “spiritual journey” that I’m on is that it is extremely serious, and of highest importance to me. The reason for this: I’m thinking about becoming a rabbi. There are many ways to explain this possibility for me, and I will at some point dedicate a post to them.
For now, though, I just wanted to say that it’s extremely hard for me still to say that I’m considering rabbinical school to many of the people in my life. Some of them I already know won’t be supportive. Some of them don’t know what to think. Some people respond with “Oh, interesting” which I find the most vague and coded judging statement of them all… All in all, my social circle at large looks down on religion and spirituality and probably will never understand this part of me, and will probably always reserve some sort of judgement for what they think is my lack thereof.
But ultimately, what I need to learn — not learn, teach myself — is that it’s not about them. They can question and judge all they want. It’s about me, what I need, and what I want out of my life. I need to become brave enough to assert that this is ME. That this is what I want, and what I think would be good for me. That this is a huge part of who I am and is shaping my thought all the time. And I need to be able to do this without feeling the need to persuade them that it’s not what they think it is… That the sort of rabbi I want to be is not a mere dictator of religion, but something else. Because ultimately, what they think doesn’t matter. I should qualify that — there will be those who disagree but are supportive and wanting to have meaningful discussions on my choice, what it means to me, and ultimately what I see Judaism as. With them, I can talk about it, explain, persuade, and so on.
But to those who won’t even muster up support for me, I need to assert myself and move beyond their judgement. Because ultimately, what inspires me is not them, it’s myself, my faith, my ethics. And anyone worth explaining that to will at least try to understand.
