One thing I have been thinking about lately is my relationship to G-d, if I can be said to have one. This is something that has been troubling me a lot, actually. I find that I am still reluctant to admit to believing in G-d. Yet at the same time, I acknowledge that Judaism inspires me to act in certain ways, and aspire to certain character traits. The words kavod (honour, respect, dignity) and emet (truth) have been circulating my mind as the things that Judaism stirs me to aspire to. But I am still working to figure out exactly what both of those words mean to me. Which means, I think, that I need to seriously consider what G-d means to me. Because I’m unsure that Judaism can drive me toward morals unless I have some relationship with G-d, whatever I see G-d as.
I don’t know why I’m so reluctant to admit to a belief in G-d. Maybe it’s the baggage that belief comes with. I’m really not comfortable with big-guy-in-the-sky theology. I’m not comfortable with redemption and judgment, and I’m really not comfortable with chosenness (of these, though, I’d say my relationship with the idea of redemption is the most complicated, and I will write about it in a post soon). But I feel more and more like maybe I am a believer. A reluctant believer, but a believer. And that maybe I’ve always been. I need help figure out how to assimilate this, and embrace this, and, without qualifying it in at least ten different ways, to say out loud, “I believe in G-d.” Which means I need to know what this belief means to me, right now. And that is so hard.
June 1, 2008 at 7:58 pm
It’s difficult to approach the divine from a standpoint steeped in academic analysis. I find it hard to figure out where to start.
Do we begin from some kind of externally-defined framework, whether it be of Cartesian mathematical meticulousness, or of Old Testament mythology? Or do we rely instead primarily on our experience of G-d to provide us with the attributes to which we can ascribe belief?
I think the answer is somewhere in the middle. Tradition seems to be really important; to fulfill that spiritual requirement, it is essential to become acquainted with the perceptions held by your antecedants. However, it is equally important to recognize how you are experiencing G-d in your life; it is not enough to depend upon historical mythology.
I’m not a huge fan of the “bearded-guy-in-the-sky” theology myself
Oh, this is your Canadian Unitarian friend; check out my blog at http://unifyingpath.wordpress.com/